Swing State

Politics and Humor…but I repeat myself

About

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

NOTE: I WISH I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS – PROPS TO THE PERSON THAT DID, YOU VERY FUNNY PERSON, YOU.

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**Testimonials**

“When I get up in the morning reading Swing State is the 13th thing I do.” ~ anonymous

“One time I was watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective and reading Swing State at the same time…Swing State was definitely the second funniest thing going on in my life at the moment.” ~anonymous

“Reading Swing State is definitely better than being in prison.” ~anonymous

“I told my girlfriend about Swing State once, ever since the sex has been fantastic.”~anonymous

4 Comments »

  1. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
    ——————————–

    Its Democrats and Republicans going toe-to-toe, or should we say
    “bumper-to-bumper” to benefit Community Inclusive Recreation.

    This Saturday Night August 25th, The Bob Frahm Community Racing Challenge
    returns to Springport Motor Speedway, presenting the 2007 Congressional
    Challenge.

    Michigan State Senator Mark Schauer, State Representative Mike Simpson,
    State Representative Rick Jones and State Representative Mike Noffs will be
    donning the drivers gear and taking to the high banks of Springport Motor
    Speedway in a 10 lap sprint to prove who the fastest legislator is. The Bob
    Frahm CRC Congressional Challenge race will kick off at 7:30pm at Springport
    Motor Speedway.

    Benefiting from this week’s event is Community Inclusive Recreation, based
    in Battle Creek, serving all of Calhoun, Barry and Jackson counties. The
    Mission of CIR is to provide and promote inclusive social, recreational,
    educational, and art activities for people of all abilities through
    programming, leadership, and support of community inclusion. CIR is a
    United Way Program Delivery Partner

    Senator Mark Schauer commenting on the CIR; “They are a wonderful
    organization with a vision and commitment to community inclusion. The CIR is
    changing mindsets, attitudes, and accessibility barriers and I am proud to
    support their efforts”

    CIR is fortunate to have a wealth of partnering individuals and agencies
    throughout Battle Creek, and beyond. As a result of the relationships that
    have been cultivated throughout the 12 years that CIR has been in the
    community, participants have had opportunities to experience wonderful
    activities. And this weekend is no exception as the world of Automobile
    Racing will be opened up to the great folks at Community Inclusive
    Recreation.

    Representative Rick Jones raised the bar of competitiveness when he said;
    “with my 33 years in law enforcement, serving over 30 years with the Eaton
    County Sheriff Department; I’ve chased bad guys from every corner of this
    county and back… now they’ll be chasing me.” There is no doubt that this
    fun event will be very racy as these 4 strong minded and strong willed
    drivers jump behind the wheels of Bob Frahm’s Community Racing Challenge
    pure stocks for a 10 lap featured heat. Joining the Congressmen will be two
    representatives of Community Inclusive Recreation, making it a full field of
    challengers.

    The Community Racing Challenge charge is to provide meaningful support to
    local non-profit organizations in the form of fund raising and team building
    events which will not only foster new interest in local short track racing,
    but enhance the relationship between drivers, owners, local businesses and
    the citizens of our community.

    The Community Racing Challenge will kick of this event on Thursday, August
    23rd at Brown Stadium in Battle Creek where CIR will be hosting their 13th
    annual Celebrity Softball Bash. This event pits the members of the Detroit
    Red Wings Alumni and Detroit Tigers Alumni in a softball game versus Battle
    Creek Community Leaders. Former Detroit Tiger pitcher Dave Rozema and
    former Detroit Red Wing Shawn Burr are among the many big names taking part
    in this big event.

    The Community Racing Challenge will be on-site, along with one of our
    Challenge Race Cars handing out free vouchers for the race on Saturday Night
    and giving everyone an opportunity to sit in the racer and try on some race
    gear. Senator Mark Schauer and Representatives from Mike Noffs office are
    expected to be on-hand to meet and greet all the dedicated people involved
    in this important community event.

    For more information on this event, please visit
    http://www.communityracingchallenge.com, the online home of the Community Racing
    Challenge. There you’ll find videos and photos of past events, directions
    to the race track, ticket information, event schedule, free on-line vouchers
    and more. Or contact Patrick McNamara via email at
    patrick@communityracingchallenge.com or phone 734.536.0319

    Comment by Patrick McNamara | August 22, 2007 | Reply

  2. Didn’t a college kid named hugh gllager write this in the early ’90s for his college entrance essay? maybe you should give proper credit.

    Comment by Emiko | September 8, 2007 | Reply

  3. this is the funniest blog ive seen in a minute, too bad you dont update it anymore..

    Comment by dacrumbla | September 23, 2007 | Reply

  4. 🙂

    Comment by bibomedia.com | March 7, 2008 | Reply


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